April 15, 2006
Gawking at Jared Paul Stern's Gawker™
When we started doing this weekend blogging thing way back in July we knew, we just knew, that if we stuck with it long enough eventually Denton would notice and maybe give us some blog-company to play with on the weekend (no offense to you, our fair readers, but it can get very lonely here on the weekend web). But we had no. Fucking. Idea.
Seems Denton has gone totally batshit and given the keys to Gawker to the Stern with Two First Names for the weekend, officially making the Page Six Payola Scandal one of thee most bizarre media cluster fucks of all time (aside: The movie is going to be awesome! We're thinking Skeet Ulrich as Jared?).
So we've decided to do what any "blogger" worth a nickel would in such a situation. We're gonna liveblog it. Without further ado, "Gawking at Jared Paul Stern's Gawker™":
The Announcement: The end is nigh.
POST 1: JPS is arrived. We kinda thought that this was going to be a weekend of J Paul writing the Gawk. But we guess we were wrong, we guess we all were. If this post is any sign, this is just going to be a weekend of JPS going after Ron Burkle. Which could be, we must admit, interesting.
But Jared, trust us, these weekends get long. You better send Snookums out for some more booze for your bars, cause a fifth of Beam just ain't going to cut it.
POST 2: Yup, JPS seems a little focused on this Ron Burkle guy (huh, anybody know what that is all about?). And he's quoting Toby Young. Yes, Toby How to Lose Friends and Alienate People Young. Why? Oh, yeah. Toby has got a new book coming out...
POST 3: Next up, JPS goes after the "silly bitch" from Marky Mark's Planet of the Apes over a quote she made in the late Boldface Names. Jared Paul, the Boldface corpse is barely cold. Let it rest in peace, k?
POST 4: Already cracking under the strain of having to put posts up all day Stern resorts to old faithful, the roundup. We wonder how long till we get a plug for the polo shirts? Oh, nevermind. Anyway, since this weekend is 'All About Jared' (seriously, JPS in Post 1: "fasten your seatbelts.") we get a roundup of coverage of Jared and maybe something about that Burkle guy, too. Thanks for the shout-out JPS!
POST 5: As far as posts about the connections between the Clintons, Anthony Pelicano and maybe some other people go, this one doesn't suck?
POST 6: Gisele and Burkle, eh? Bored now.
What, weekends are too good for remainders Jared?
DAY 2!
POST 7: "Baste the Billionaire in oil and turn the stove" blah, blah, blah, blah. You've had the keys to the castle for a day now, Jared Paul, when are we going to get the good stuff?
We love this exchange though: "And, just in case you were wondering, yes I can tell who's really posting the Comments. I am, after all, the Editor." Followed up in the comments by Denton chiming in "Um, actually, commenters are anonymous, if they want to be. I am, after all, the publisher." OH, snap!
DEVELOPING!
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jared is totally neglecting the cat story! this dude can't blog for shit!
Toby Young's a mate of Stern's, as Young mentions in the post before the one Stern links to. All delightfully sordid. Nice to see some swearing in Gothamist too - looks good on you.
An open note to the man who calls himself Jared Paul Stern:
The people who went to college with you at Bennington are talking Jared. We're talking about the tawdry mess you're in and how we're not surprised you created it.
We knew you back when
* you only had two names: Jared Stern;
* you were in the closet with Dan,
your secret college "boyfriend;"
* you read the Preppy Handbook
to figure out what to wear to class;
* you fantasized about being
Brett Easton Ellis (Bennington '85)
and decided to adopt three names in his honor;
* you read Bright Lights, Big City
and resolved to be a modelizer
who's obsessed with the Post;
* you freaked out when Pam, the Jodie Foster
look alike lesbian wouldn't date you.
Yes, Jared Stern we remember the preppy little poser your pretended to be. And we remember how the autumn of '92 you became Euro-GQ boy with the slickster clothes.
Cinnamon remembers. Justin Therous remembers. Franklin remembers. Hoagland remembers. Maura remembers. We all remember Jared.
And some of us have begun to talk to to the press, too.
Good for YOU, BB!
Please tell us more.
What comes around, goes around.
It is just a little bit...odd. Interesting, but/and odd. I'm sure the Times will get Jennifer 8. Lee to do a story on it or something. I can see it now: "People blog their mandates...."
Oh, sorry. Got distracted for a moment.
If you really want me to post more, I will.
But I worry that what I have to say is too long
for anyone to read.
No, BB, you've already posted enough unsubstantiated and irrelevant nonsense. Can't you think of something better to do? It's a nice day today, why not talk a walk and enjoy life.
What did Stern do for you to hold a grudge for 20 years? I've never read a word of his, or knew who he was until last week, but your comment comes across as petty sour grapes because he has some degree of fame and you don't.
As the above notes, still developing.
Stern pissed off some people and now it's coming back to nip him. What I don't know is why all these web sites giving him so much ink time? He's been around for a long time, why all the press now?
The old NY Press must be having a great day. Except for stupid drunken bird. Another guy who's like stern, if you've ever seen Tony millionaire, in person.
I'd be willing to bet that Jared is the commenter who wrote
that he's had enough of my
"unsubstantiated and irrelevent nonsense."
The writing style is pure Jared Stern.
Wouldn't it be great if the person who uncovered Joe Klein as the anonymous Primary Colors novelist revealed that these
pro-Jared post were written by Stern himself?
I have no interest in fame whatsoever. You've got the wrong girl.
What's fascinating about Jared's gawker stint is that now he is threatening to out the anonymous posters who are commenting on gawker right now.
I wonder if he is now extorting them for $220,000 to keep their identities secret.
BB, yes, of course that was Jared.
I like it when you get him all yippy snippy. We love YOU, though, BB.
I blame The Preppy Handbook for this entire mess.